The Shiz My Boyfriend Says

3 notes

Natural Conclusions.

On Gchat…

Me: hey, my birth control was on the foyer table so i wouldn’t forget it, but it’s gone. did you see it? or did the stupid cats hide it

Ben: no, i didn’t

Me: well shit

Ben: i bet girl cat is trying to be a hooker!!!

Filed under cat hookers

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Daggers.

Post cutting the cats’ claws, Axe Murderer is pitifully licking at her paws…

B: Girl cat say, “Where did all my daggers go!?!”

Filed under cats

3 notes

Is That What You Want?

In response to his complaining about how it takes me to get ready for things…

Me: Seriously? I take HALF as long as the average girl to get ready for stuff!

B: Well, I don’t think in those terms, dear. Unless you want me to go live with a different girl for a month, so I can come back and be all, “Yes darling, you are so amazing! You are the best at getting ready!” Is that what you want?!

10 notes

Beard Splinter?

Last night, on the couch.

Me: So how was your day?

B: Pretty rough, actually. Lots of boring meetings, and then I got a beard splinter.

Me: You got a what?

B: A splinter in my finger. From my beard.

Me: I’m sorry… are you saying that you IMPALED your finger on a strand of hair?

B: It’s a very manly beard!! Look how strong these hairs are!

Filed under shiz dating relationships boyfriend funny humor

5 notes

Sweet and Quiet FTW.

B: You were a drunkface last night.

Me: Ha, yeah. Sorry about that.

B: No, you were very sweet. You just told me you loved me occasionally and then you’d snuggle. Sometimes when you’re drunk you like to talk a lot. This was better.

Me: ….

B: Not that your talking isn’t great. But you know… if I was ranking your drunks, quiet Rachael wins.

Filed under dating relationships boyfriend shiz funny humor

1 note

Love Slob.

B: Will you get me a beer?

Me: Sure.

B: Love you, darlin!

(He goes in for a cheek kiss)

B: Ohhh. Um, sorry I slobbered on you. … Can I still have a beer?