On Gchat…

Me: hey, my birth control was on the foyer table so i wouldn’t forget it, but it’s gone. did you see it? or did the stupid cats hide it

Ben: no, i didn’t

Me: well shit

Ben: i bet girl cat is trying to be a hooker!!!

On Gchat…

B: How’s it going?

Me: Good, getting ready for HH!

B: 24039

Me: ?

B: whoops, now you know my printer code. you can make millions of color copies!!

Girl Cat: Meow!

B: Quiet down, Girl Cat.

Me: Yeah, shut your cakehole.

B: And stop eating cake!!

Me: …..

B: I’m just trying to support you.

As I steal some blanket on the couch…

Me: Don’t you glare at me.

B: The cats do it all the time!!!

Post cutting the cats’ claws, Axe Murderer is pitifully licking at her paws…

B: Girl cat say, “Where did all my daggers go!?!”

Via email…

Me: http://bit.ly/iqUgkF

B: Is this a link to some virus?

Me: Haha, no. Bit.ly’s a link shortener so it doesn’t use so many characters.

B: Oh well, la te da. Lord knows we don’t want to use up too many characters! Living life with only 140, they are so very precious. JUST LIKE YOU! 

B: What do you think about our anti-hunger program tonight?

Me: The what now?

B: You know… dinner.

In response to his complaining about how it takes me to get ready for things…

Me: Seriously? I take HALF as long as the average girl to get ready for stuff!

B: Well, I don’t think in those terms, dear. Unless you want me to go live with a different girl for a month, so I can come back and be all, “Yes darling, you are so amazing! You are the best at getting ready!” Is that what you want?!

Last night, on the couch.

Me: So how was your day?

B: Pretty rough, actually. Lots of boring meetings, and then I got a beard splinter.

Me: You got a what?

B: A splinter in my finger. From my beard.

Me: I’m sorry… are you saying that you IMPALED your finger on a strand of hair?

B: It’s a very manly beard!! Look how strong these hairs are!

B: You were a drunkface last night.

Me: Ha, yeah. Sorry about that.

B: No, you were very sweet. You just told me you loved me occasionally and then you’d snuggle. Sometimes when you’re drunk you like to talk a lot. This was better.

Me: ….

B: Not that your talking isn’t great. But you know… if I was ranking your drunks, quiet Rachael wins.

Me: You have cat hair in your beard.

B: That’s right. All the cool kids are doing it.

On Gchat…

me: Tonic tonight?

B: hmmm i really need to do laundry.

B: i’m wearing a regular shirt inside out as an undershirt. it has a big plastic logo on the back, which is now on my skin, which is Fing awful.

me: so special.

B: Will you get me a beer?

Me: Sure.

B: Love you, darlin!

(He goes in for a cheek kiss)

B: Ohhh. Um, sorry I slobbered on you. … Can I still have a beer?

B refuses to get me a glass of wine, citing that I’m closer to the kitchen. (ERRONEOUS!!!)

Me: You’re a meanie head.

B: Whoa there, don’t say things you can’t take back! There’s small cats in this house, you want them to hear you talking that way?!?