The Shiz My Boyfriend Says

On Gchat…

Me: hey, my birth control was on the foyer table so i wouldn’t forget it, but it’s gone. did you see it? or did the stupid cats hide it

Ben: no, i didn’t

Me: well shit

Ben: i bet girl cat is trying to be a hooker!!!

On Gchat…

B: How’s it going?

Me: Good, getting ready for HH!

B: 24039

Me: ?

B: whoops, now you know my printer code. you can make millions of color copies!!

Girl Cat: Meow!

B: Quiet down, Girl Cat.

Me: Yeah, shut your cakehole.

B: And stop eating cake!!

Me: …..

B: I’m just trying to support you.

As I steal some blanket on the couch…

Me: Don’t you glare at me.

B: The cats do it all the time!!!

Post cutting the cats’ claws, Axe Murderer is pitifully licking at her paws…

B: Girl cat say, “Where did all my daggers go!?!”

Via email…

Me: http://bit.ly/iqUgkF

B: Is this a link to some virus?

Me: Haha, no. Bit.ly’s a link shortener so it doesn’t use so many characters.

B: Oh well, la te da. Lord knows we don’t want to use up too many characters! Living life with only 140, they are so very precious. JUST LIKE YOU! 

B: What do you think about our anti-hunger program tonight?

Me: The what now?

B: You know… dinner.

In response to his complaining about how it takes me to get ready for things…

Me: Seriously? I take HALF as long as the average girl to get ready for stuff!

B: Well, I don’t think in those terms, dear. Unless you want me to go live with a different girl for a month, so I can come back and be all, “Yes darling, you are so amazing! You are the best at getting ready!” Is that what you want?!

Last night, on the couch.

Me: So how was your day?

B: Pretty rough, actually. Lots of boring meetings, and then I got a beard splinter.

Me: You got a what?

B: A splinter in my finger. From my beard.

Me: I’m sorry… are you saying that you IMPALED your finger on a strand of hair?

B: It’s a very manly beard!! Look how strong these hairs are!

B: You were a drunkface last night.

Me: Ha, yeah. Sorry about that.

B: No, you were very sweet. You just told me you loved me occasionally and then you’d snuggle. Sometimes when you’re drunk you like to talk a lot. This was better.

Me: ….

B: Not that your talking isn’t great. But you know… if I was ranking your drunks, quiet Rachael wins.

Me: You have cat hair in your beard.

B: That’s right. All the cool kids are doing it.

On Gchat…

me: Tonic tonight?

B: hmmm i really need to do laundry.

B: i’m wearing a regular shirt inside out as an undershirt. it has a big plastic logo on the back, which is now on my skin, which is Fing awful.

me: so special.

B: Will you get me a beer?

Me: Sure.

B: Love you, darlin!

(He goes in for a cheek kiss)

B: Ohhh. Um, sorry I slobbered on you. … Can I still have a beer?

B refuses to get me a glass of wine, citing that I’m closer to the kitchen. (ERRONEOUS!!!)

Me: You’re a meanie head.

B: Whoa there, don’t say things you can’t take back! There’s small cats in this house, you want them to hear you talking that way?!?

While watching SyFy’s “Merlin”… (yes, we’re nerds, don’t act like this is news.)

In the show, Merlin discovers that only a sword bathed in dragon fire will defeat their enemies. Conveniently, Merlin is besties with a dragon, but somehow fails to mention this to his comrades as they struggle in battle.

B: Why doesn’t he just tell them, “Hey buddy, I got a dragon who’ll do that shit for free!”

Me: Totally. But the dragon should probably get a commission or something.

B: Well sure, they can just help him move next weekend or something. 

Me: … The dragon?

B: He could be moving caves! You don’t know.

Me: I love my new iPhone case. Look, it’s white!

B: Racist!!!!

B: What are we doing for dinner?

Me: I dunno, I’m not starving. Maybe just some soup?

B: I‘m not made of money! I can’t just go around buying soup left and right!!!

On Gchat. B’s at work, I’m at home.

Me: haha, bunny cat is playing fetch!  

B: of course he is. that’s what bunny cats do, idjit

Me: pshhh. you don’t know about bunny cats

B: actually, i am the foremost expert on bunny cats in north america.

While considering about a zillion pounds of memory foam we need to throw away…

Me: Hmm. Didn’t you buy a saw to get rid of the Christmas tree last year?

B: Yeah, but I threw it away after.

Me: What? Why? Did it break?

B: No, we just don’t need a saw laying around here. It’s dangerous. What if the kitties got into it?!