“True Love”
Me: I want to see Love and Other Drugs .
Him: isn’t that a chick flick?
Me: ya, you like chick flicks.
Him: that was just a phase..ya know, to get you into bed.
Me: liar.
Him: ya know…like you pretended to be nice when we first started dating.
Me: *cricket
Courtesy of @mslollygagger
In the kitchen, I glance at the microwave and notice there is 0:32 seconds left on it. My left eye immediately begins twitching as I frantically rush to press the “Clear” button.
Me: Don’t leave time on the microwave!! It drives me insane.
B: Well, the sound of the microwave going off drives ME insane.
Me: Then just stop it early and clear the time!
B: Don’t you delegate your work to me, woman!!!
“What I Am Not”
C decided to do a video call on his birthday (while at work) and since we live on the opposite side of the planet, I was in bed…and it was dark. It was raining and got pretty cold.
Me: Hunny, I am cold. I am wrapped up in my blankets - like a burrito!
C: No, no…you can’t be a burrito.
Me: Why? Isn’t that the expression? Or am I wrong?
C: No, you’re not a burrito. You are an egg roll. Cause you’re Asian.
Me: … o.O
Courtesy of @cicio_0
This morning, in bed, after we hear the coffee maker beep that it’s ready…
Me: *puppy dog eyes* Are you gonna get me some coffee?
B: NO! You’re gonna get ME coffee since I’m the one who made it!!
Me: *lip trembling*
B: Go on! SHOO!!!
B: *pouting* We have no chips! There are ZERO chips in this house!!
Me: I’m… sorry?
B: Yeah, that’s RIGHT.
Me: Um, dear… are you trying to imply that it’s MY fault there are no chips in the house?
B: *ever so sweetly* Darling, I would never say it was your fault there’s no chips in the house. … However, if an outsider were to look in and objectively assess the situation, the facts remain that A) there are no chips in the house… and B) you didn’t buy any.
“the shiz my schizophrenic special needs kid (mary) says”
while standing in line for a holiday horse and buggy ride with no place to hide with an ugly baby in front of us …
mary (to the ugly baby’s mom): is he special needs?
Courtesy of @ClaireMontgomeryMD
Girl Cat (aka Axe Murderer) is laying in B’s lap, looking adorable per yoosh.
Suddenly B bursts into song, to the tune of the infamous Folgers jingle…
B: The best part of kit-ties is, little faces iiiiiin your lap!
I’m on the couch when B gets home from work. He says (a very enthusiastic) hello to the cats, then walks over to me… and starts petting my head.
Me: Ahhh! *moves away* What are you doing?!
B: I’m pettin’! I pet everything else around here, after all!!
Planning for Christmas…
C: I hope I get those skyscraper scratching posts:
Me: I hope your mother uses her womanly judgment and doesn’t buy those.
C: Why must you shit on my hopes and dreams??
Courtesy of @MadelineSho
While watching Supernatural…
***SPOILER ALERT IF YOU HAVEN’T MADE IT PAST SEASON 3!!!***
Me: Ahhhhh!!!! He’s sleeping with Ruby! Sam’s sleeping with a demon!
B: Yeah. I did it twice. (Shrugs) It was *pretty* good, I guess. If you’re into that.
We’re at our local haunt, Tonic of Mount Pleasant, when the intro to “Goodbye Ruby Tuesday” comes on.
Me: Damn. You could really interpretive dance to this shit, huh?
B: *listens, then laughs* This is weird, but yes, yes you certainly could.
Later on at the bar, B nails a few right answers to “Cash Cab”.
B: Man! Isn’t is crazy how often I’m right about stuff??
Me: *shrugs* I mean, sure. If you’re into that sort of thing.
B: Two in a row! You should just quit while you’re ahead!!
“Absitively Posolutely”
Jess is an English Major who loves the Oxford English Dictionary more than normal people should and Alex…well, he just makes stuff up.
Alex: Hey Gorgeous! Hope you’re having a fantabulous day!
Me: Fantabulous? What does that even mean?
Alex: Fantabulous.
Jess: I got that. What does it mean?
Alex: Fantaaabulous.
Jess: You know the OED defines insanity as repeating an action and expecting a different result each time. So, fantabulous is fantabulous?
Alex: Atta girl…took you long enough. (mumbles)
Jess: Did you just say training ex-girlfriends is hard?!
Courtesy of Jess
B burps.
I burp.
B: Don’t you talk back to me!!!
11am on Saturday morning. Keep in mind we live in DC and neither of us has a car.
B: Hey, will you grab me a beer?
Me: *looks at clock, cocks eyebrow*
B: What! I’m not drivin’!
I return… With two beers.
B: Oh, you’re having a beer I see! Not driving today, I take it??
Me: Haha. No, no I am not.
Mmmmmm… Saturdays.
B asks me to get him a beer and I decline, having already folded myself into the cocoon of Couch Blanket.
B: So, this is awkward, but Jesus called me up today and said he doesn’t love you anymore.
Me: What!!!
B: It’s true. I’m sorry. But he seemed pretty serious about it.
Recently, our one-year deal with Comcast (AKA THE DEVIL) ended, which means our bill has gone up by approximately 4,058%. I’ve been putting off calling to fight with Customer Service forever, but it was my turn to pay the bill this month, which finally inspired me to get it over with.
(gchatting with B while on hold)
Me: on the phone with comcast
B: goddamn those evil heathen bastards
Me: true
B: tell them you hope they get scabies
Me: hahahaha
(pause in convo while I fight with customer service and, of course, emerge victorious!!!)
Me: ok, got them down to $117 a month
B: woot! did you call them heathen bastards?
Me: hahahaha no
B: so you went with scabies?
Me: obviously. much more medieval and badass.
BP and I are cooking dinner (chicken marsala) together. He hits his head with the wooden spoon and puts it back in the pot of pasta.
Me: Gee, thanks. Just rub that spoon all over your head and put it back in my food.
BP: What!? It’s boiling water. That shit could sanitize a wildebeast.
Me: (Silent raised eyebrow)
BP: Okay, so I’d need a bigger pot for that.
Courtesy of Amanda
“The Shiz The Actual Says”
While discussing the glow in the dark cats from Korea…
The Actual: Wouldn’t it be awesome if I got you one of those?
Me: They’d scare the living hell out of me. Could you imagine waking up to a glow in the dark face in the middle of the night?
The Actual: Would you be scared if I glowed in the dark? What if my penis glowed in the dark?!
Me: Something tells me we’re going to spend the weekend looking for glow in the dark condoms, aren’t we?
The Actual: YES!
Courtesy of @JeneyPeney
B just booked a Zipcar to drive home to PA (his parents’) for Christmas. Since all of our cat sitters will also be gone, we’re planning on bringing the cats WITH us…
B: Okay, got this one that’s in the alley behind our apartment:
B: Plenty of cat-running room!!
Me: You mean me-sleeping room.
B: Yeah right, you’re on cat-not-under-breaks detail.
Me: … Crap.
pre-sexytime activities are occurring.
Cat walks by.
C: I smell shit and cat litter…ugh Where is that coming from?!!
Me: I don’t know? The cat?
C: Let me smell your breath
Me: You think my breath smells like shit and cat litter?
C: Just ruling out possibilities.
Courtesy of @MadelineSho
