Last night in bed, I’m complaining of a horrible lower back pain. B: Where does it hurt? Me: Like here (lower spine), and then shooting down the back of my leg. B: Yup. Definitely kidney failure.
Guest Shiz, By @Doniree
“Happy to See You” While loading the moving truck in the dark… Me: Your flashlight in your pocket is on. Him: No, I’m just happy to see you. Courtesy of Doniree
B farts… Me: Oh, oh my God!! You’re horrible! You’re positively foul!!!! B: It’s true. It’s horrendous. I’m sorry- I thought it was just a squeaker. Me: I don’t even have to pee and I’m going to the bathroom. I don’t want my eyebrows to singe off!!! B: That’s a good idea- you’d look stupid without eyebrows.
Guest Shiz, By GirlyBitzGirl
“We’ll always have something to talk about” This is the text conversation MB and I had this morning after he left for work… Me: U forgot ur lunch. And it’s snowing! MB: Omg I gotta poop Me: Wow. How gross and completely unrelated. Thanks. MB: I’m stuck doing my stupid physical so I don’t find it unrelated. Me: Uh huh. I hope they...
B stayed up watching football after I went to bed last night. Upon entering the living room this morning, I see a (foreign) enormous orange glass on the coffee table. Me: What IS that? B: I had a glass of wine last night. Me: …… B: So obviously I drank it from my GOBLET OF FIRE!!!!!!!!
While driving to PA for Christmas, Zeppelin comes on the radio… B: You know why Led Zeppelin is so awesome? One: they rock, and two: they wrote a bunch of songs about Lord of the Rings. Me: I see… so it’s a double whammy! B: *nodding wisely* Exactly. Double whammy indeed.
Guest Shiz, By Caitlin
“Usher’s Got Nothing on J” J: You know that song by Usher? The one where he says “honey got a booty like pow pow pow?” Me: Mmmhmm.. it’s called OMG. Why do you even know the lyrics? J: Well, I changed them. Me: Oh god - to what? J: “Little fluffy kitty goes MEOW MEOW MEOW..” *walks away singing*
Science AND French.
At Thanksgiving… B: I think we should crack that Maker’s. Brad: I agree, I think it’s time. B: *snootily* It is a digestif, after all. Me: *smarmily* Oh, really? A digestif? B: That’s right. It’s science AND French. BAM!!!
Guest Shiz, By jenniferalaine
“Blinking?” As Kyle is still in bed, fighting his alarm and the fact that he has to get up for work: Kyle: My eyes are open… My eyes are closed… My eyes are open… My eyes are closed… I guess that’s called blinking… Courtesy of jenniferalaine
Back Off, Scar Jo.
While watching “Dexter” yesterday… Me: So, the ladies on the Tweet are all excited over Michael C. Hall and Ryan Reynolds being newly single. … You know, cause we have such a good chance with them, now. B: *laughs* Me: And of course, there’s Scar Jo for you! B: Yeah, she called the other day, actually, and I was like “Look, you’re nice and all, but...
Guest Shiz, By Katrina
“Destroy Everything” After watching the season finale of The Walking Dead, my husband is so busy talking bombs and anti-heros that I decide to annoy him. Me: I have a question. From Grey’s Anatomy. What if I had two uteruses? And you got me pregnant in one? And then we broke up and another guy- let’s say Julian Assange- got me pregnant in the other one? What would you...
In the morning, I’m in bed reading as B comes in from a shower and scowls down at me, looming over the bed. B: *accusingly* You’re not a kitty!!!!!! He stalks away, full of disapproval.
Guest Shiz, by @Doniree
“Laughing Gas” *farting sound that sounded like a stomach growling* Me, knowing better: “Was that your stomach growling??” BF: “It’s laughing gas!” Courtesy of Doni
Nothing You Can Do About It.
As I’m leaving for NYC with Cara and Maxie… B: *looking around the living room* So, I might rearrange this place while you’re gone. Me: What?? B: Yeah, you heard me. You might come back, and it’ll be allllllll different. Nothing you can do about it. Bam!!!
This Vicious Thing.
With Murray the Monster on his lap… who, I might add for context, looked like this yesterday: B: Did you know there’s only two species in the world this vicious thing hasn’t killed?! Me: I did not… B: Yup. First is Polar bears, because they’re related. And also Blue whales, but only cause they go too deep.
Guest Shiz, By Caitlin
“I swear I’m not dating a 12 year-old.” J: You’re pretty. Me: *not really paying attention* Aww, you’re pretty, too. J: *severely pouting* I’M NOT A GIRL. Me: Okay, you’re really handsome. J: *very appeased* Yayyy! THAT’S the boy word for it! Courtesy of Caitlin
Show Me Your Teeth
In a faux-argument about God knows what… Me: I will bite the fuck out of you. B: I’ll win. My teeth are bigger cause I’m a man! Me: Whatever. I had braces, and you haven’t even had a cleaning in 3 years! B: Exactly! And my poisonous teeth will infect you, like my college roommate who got a staph infection from punching me in the mouth!!!! Me:...
You Gotta Have Options.
While watching an episode of Supernatural, a spirit convinces an unfortunate man to cook his own head in a microwave. It explodes, quite graphically. B: Gross. Please don’t ever stick your head in the microwave. Me: I promise. Also, likewise. B: Mmmm, I don’t feel comfortable making that deal at this point. I’m going to keep my options open. I don’t like to restrain...
Guest Shiz, By The Perpetual Planner
with almost 4 hours to kill after lunch in town… J: i don’t care what we do. do you want to do something? me: well, this is your planned day. so it’s all up to you. J: all my stuff is tonight; i’ve got nothing else planned. me: says the boy who was all “digestion and sex” a minute ago. J: at least i’m suggesting things! Courtesy of The Perpetual...
chichisaysrobyn asked: Googling "cat blogs" now. MUST READ THEM ALL.
Is It About Cats?
I show B this hilarious comic from “Books of Adam”. A few hours later… B: So that comic was crazy huh? Lola’s just like Boy Cat! … Really dumb. Me: Yes! Did you read any more? This guy’s hilarious. B: No. Is it about cats?? Me: No, but it’s really funny! B: Nope. If it’s not about cats, I don’t want it. Me: Darling. Listen to yourself! ...
Guest Shiz, By Siovhan
“Shock and Awe.” While sitting on my bed eating chinese food and watching netflix… P: Ohh dude. I’m so full. Me: Me, too. I can barely eat another bite. *cue me eating another bite as P stares in awe* Me: What? I said barely. P: I feel like a 20 year old college girl: fat, sad and laying on a bed shocked by what she’s next to. Courtesy of The Siovhan Show
A Whole Fucking System.
In bed one night… Me: Babe, your pillow needs a cover. B: No, no. I don’t sleep on this pillow. I read with it, then put it on the floor. Me: That’s even worse! Then it touches the FLOOR while it’s naked! B: No, I put it on top of my courderoy pants! I have a whole fucking system over here. It’s science!
Guest Shiz, By Dani
“I Can Only Imagine the Indigestion.” As we are sitting in traffic on 95 on our way home from s thanksgiving raid trip on which we had brought the cat… IJ: I am checking all other cars for signs of cat. Me: Ah. IJ: That one has no ghosts. Me: What? IJ: It had a ghost busters logo. Me: Oh. It did have a dude eating a cheeseburger. IJ: Yes, but that cheeseburger was free...