Kind of a Dick Move.
The other night, on the couch… B: Hey, by the way… the Head and Shoulders in the bathroom… did you get that for me? Me: Um… no, actually. I got that for me, maybe, a little bit… whatever, winter sucks! … Why? B: Well, you know. I just thought maybe you had, uh, noticed. And then I couldn’t decide if it was really thoughtful of you that you bought me...
Do These Eyebrows Make Me Look Fat?
Last night, on the couch… B: (poking at his face) I feel like I have a lot of fat in my eyebrows. Me: … What?! B: Yup. That’s where it starts… in the eyebrow. Everyone knows that!!
Me: Am I your best friend? B: You’re my best HUMAN friend. Me: …… B: I’m sorry, but that’s all I can give you at this juncture.
While showing B my fancy new company iPhone… Me: Yeah, so if you enter my phone’s passcode incorrectly five times it wipes all the info. Pretty badass. B: Ohhhh. I think I did it, like, four times playing around earlier. Whoops…
You Do You.
I look down and notice that Murray is determinedly chewing on a piece of my purse. Me: Ack! Don’t eat that, Murray! *shooing him away* B: Eat whatever you want, Murray. You do you!
Yesterday, while sitting on the couch. Please keep in mind that Murray, aka “Bunny Cat”, looks like this… B: From now on, please refer to the Bunny Cat as “The White Falcon”.
After watching a somewhat rousing, albeit generic, “students arguing against an evil Dean” speech on the show Greek yesterday… B: Really? You’re gonna slow clap that? I hear a faint *frrrrrrppppppp* from the depths of the couch… B: I slow farted it.
Oh, You Like That?
Axe Murderer, aka “Girl Cat”, is being particularly cute. Me: Awww, look at Girl Cat being all adorable and stuff! B: *nonchalantly* Oh, you like that thing? Huh. I was gonna throw it out.
And That's Why...
B, in what he thought was a moment of genius, moved my box (yes, BOX- what’s your point) of wine to the end table next to my side of the couch. I objected to this, however, as I am notably weird about having too much clutter in my couch-area. B: What?! Why wouldn’t you want your wine next to you? If I could have a beer fridge next to me I’d be thrilled! Me: You can. We could...
Keep Your Side to Yourself.
B and I not only have regular “sides” of the bed, we have regular “sides” of the couch as well. Maybe it’s the older sibling in me, but I happen to strongly dislike when his clutter- iPad, phone, whatever- crosses over onto my side and within prospective-annoying-knocking-of-my-elbow distance. One evening, B tosses his iPad down on the middle of the couch, a little...
On Gchat… Me: so, what’s for dinner? can we be healthy tonight? B: sure i’ll get something healthy Me: score. i’m also not drinking but i will gladly stop and get you beer if you want since you’re getting dinner. B: yeah, get me beer! i’ll drink it while walking- that ways its healthy. BAM!!!
While watching Axe Murderer (aka “Girl Cat”) roll around on the floor, exposing her belly and then staring up at us all creepy like. B: Girl Cat’s acting like a cat in heat. Me: We had her spayed, dear. B: Well maybe they didn’t get all her ovaries. Maybe she has a third ovary! I don’t know how cat ovaries work.
Guest Shiz, by HeySmalls
On chat… Me: How is work going? Him: I feel goofy. I didn’t have any clean dress socks today, so I’m wearing my shox, and every time I get up to go to the bathroom or the kitchen I get there really fast. Courtesy of Hey Smalls
On Gchat… Me: why aren’t you a crime fighter like these guys?! B: are you sure im not…….. Me: hahahaha
In bed this morning… B: Whatchoo doin? Me: Readin! B: Aw, darlin… *pats my arm pityingly* … You don’t know how to read!!!!
Now That-sa Lot-ta!
I’m getting ready over the bathroom sink when B gets up and stumbles in to relieve himself. After a “League of Their Own” Tom Hanks-style time period passes with no sign of stopping, he looks over at me and says (mid-stream) with a horrible Italian accent… B: Now that-sa lot-ta pee!!!
B is petting Axe Murderer (aka “Girl Cat”), who is her usual loud-mouthed self, squeaking and squawking (no one ever taught her how to meow, it would seem)… B: What’s wrong, Dr. Girl Cat?? You’re squeaking! What would you prescribe for your squeaking condition? I know… (He throws his arms wide into the air before launching a full-scale tickle attack on Axe...