Posts tagged cats

Girl Cat: Meow!

B: Quiet down, Girl Cat.

Me: Yeah, shut your cakehole.

B: And stop eating cake!!

Me: …..

B: I’m just trying to support you.

As I steal some blanket on the couch…

Me: Don’t you glare at me.

B: The cats do it all the time!!!

Post cutting the cats’ claws, Axe Murderer is pitifully licking at her paws…

B: Girl cat say, “Where did all my daggers go!?!”

B refuses to get me a glass of wine, citing that I’m closer to the kitchen. (ERRONEOUS!!!)

Me: You’re a meanie head.

B: Whoa there, don’t say things you can’t take back! There’s small cats in this house, you want them to hear you talking that way?!?

On Gchat. B’s at work, I’m at home.

Me: haha, bunny cat is playing fetch!  

B: of course he is. that’s what bunny cats do, idjit

Me: pshhh. you don’t know about bunny cats

B: actually, i am the foremost expert on bunny cats in north america.

Watching me pet Murray…

B: Ohhhh, you just touched Murray’s butt! You totally touched his ball sack. Now you have to get married. You have to marry a cat!!! So, that’s embarrassing.

*looking at cat, who is hunting around the apartment for invisible prey*

Him: She’s a LION!

Me: She’s not a lion.

Him: SHE’S A LION!!!

Me: I’m a lion. Rawr.

Him: You’re not a lion, but eventually you’ll be a cougar.

Axe Murderer is sitting in the cat tree when B “puts his face in her face”.

B: That’s right!!! *I’m* the dominant cat in this house!!!!!

Me: Am I your best friend?

B: You’re my best HUMAN friend.

Me: ……

B: I’m sorry, but that’s all I can give you at this juncture.

I look down and notice that Murray is determinedly chewing on a piece of my purse.

Me: Ack! Don’t eat that, Murray! *shooing him away*

B: Eat whatever you want, Murray. You do you!

Yesterday, while sitting on the couch. Please keep in mind that Murray, aka “Bunny Cat”, looks like this…

B: From now on, please refer to the Bunny Cat as “The White Falcon”.

Axe Murderer, aka “Girl Cat”, is being particularly cute. 

Me: Awww, look at Girl Cat being all adorable and stuff!

B: *nonchalantly* Oh, you like that thing? Huh. I was gonna throw it out.

While watching Axe Murderer (aka “Girl Cat”) roll around on the floor, exposing her belly and then staring up at us all creepy like.

B: Girl Cat’s acting like a cat in heat.

Me: We had her spayed, dear.

B: Well maybe they didn’t get all her ovaries. Maybe she has a third ovary! I don’t know how cat ovaries work.

B is petting Axe Murderer (aka “Girl Cat”), who is her usual loud-mouthed self, squeaking and squawking (no one ever taught her how to meow, it would seem)…

B: What’s wrong, Dr. Girl Cat?? You’re squeaking! What would you prescribe for your squeaking condition? I know… 

(He throws his arms wide into the air before launching a full-scale tickle attack on Axe Murderer)

B: PETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the morning, I’m in bed reading as B comes in from a shower and scowls down at me, looming over the bed.

B: *accusingly* You’re not a kitty!!!!!!

He stalks away, full of disapproval.